I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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