yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
