i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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