I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
