Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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