i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
