her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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