im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
