I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
