my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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