i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
