he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
