SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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