He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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