Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
