I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
