onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
