I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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