she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
