Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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