Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
