that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
