Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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