The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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