the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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