My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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