No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I smell stomach acid.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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