im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
