u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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