I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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