Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
