You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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