please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize