I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
