is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
