I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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