I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
