Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
she woke up with a sticky ear
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
