Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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