You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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