Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We need a shit load of segways right now
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
