im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just gargled with NyQuil
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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