I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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