He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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