Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
