SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
