I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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