is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
