I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
