I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
