she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
