Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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