Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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