Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
