i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
