There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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