I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize