I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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