One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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