so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
